Because you make me believe in my self…

Because you live… I live”

I’ve never been a romantic person, but I realized that we all are romantics in a way and we just need one person to bring out the sweetness in us. I got mine.

You’re not like the typical lover that I’ve had in the past, not even my type I guess. But you inspired me in a way that no one else will ever be. You are my saving grace, the person that makes me scared but willing to take any risk. I’m looking forward to the day when I can tell the world that you are mine and I am your angel.

You got your angel now.

You said you love me too, I hope you really do.

I don’t know where this is going.

But I hope it is going somewhere.

You are my bestest friend.

I know that we might be in ruins.

I hope you are aware that this is no joke.

I’m saying it again, even at times it makes me choke.

This is oh-so-wrong, I should have loved somebody else.

But baby, they’re no you. That wouldn’t make sense.

Para sayo, na gumugulo sa utak ko. You said you love me, but I’m not sure if it is that same kind of love that I feel for you. Maybe not. Maybe not even half. But at least, that might be a good start. I’m not asking for anything, though I could give you everything. This is not even me talking, it is my heart. I know this is wrong, but it feels so good. Not a way a guy should feel, but I feel it anyway. I love you even though you are far away. I love you even though I don’t entirely know you yet. I love you because my heart tells me so. I love you because you make me smile when you’re mad. I love you and you make me hate you at the same time. I love it when you dare me to tell you my feelings. I love you when you’re liking my post, making me feel like someone is listening. I love you because I am not supposed to but I still do. I love you cause you are a bright ray of sunshine. I love you because you ask me to marry you even though it is not even possible. I love the ring that you gave me on the cake that I have not found yet (LOL). I love you because you make me feel special. I love you because you make me feel so loved. I love you because I am posting this and I’m not sure if you would still talk to me after you read it. I love you and I hope this will lead us somewhere. I love you because you made me feel like it’s possible. I love you for a reason that reason cannot understand. I love you and I am willing to give up anything I have. I love you more that anyone has ever loved someone before. My love for you is something worth to die for. I love you not because of any reasons I just said, I just do.

Sometimes I wish I am Edward Cullen who could read minds. But since I can’t be a vampire, how about be a telepathic like Sookie Stackhouse. Or having a eavesdropping power like Damon and Stefan Salvatore will not be bad. I really want to get through other people’s mind. Know what they’re thinking about me. Not that I really care, but to know who to trust in a world of phonies, liars and backstabbing freaks.

Someone told me that I am so harsh on my blogs. I am really friendly and quiet in person. Maybe she’s thinking that I am not really me, that I am bad and malicious. What I’m going to say is, I am who I show I am. It’s just that, there is someone inside me who wants to come out. And he is inside this site. It’s like he wants to take my body over and saying “Hey Joceff, you’re not doing it right! Lemme do the honor to make you a better person. You should fight man!” But until the day that I was ready, I will still be who I am today or at least who I show today. And come one day, this blog will be quiet and boring. Cause the “harsh” guy will be me, and the quiet one will be inside him and he will be the one who wants to come out. He will try to by writing a blog. Yum!

I just discovered that i am more friendly to older folks. And they love me. It’s not just once that i heard someone how fascinated they were with my ways that they want me for their daughters.

Those good guy image, clean cut and always quiet. I am surely the guy your mama wants for you in the first look.

But it takes not just a glance to know me well. Because aside from being quiet and sporting this short brown hair, (not to mention that i am running a blog like a stupid girl), I am no one with nothing anyone could wish for.

I curse (quietly.. That only I will know until now that i mentioned.) I back stab, I even had sex with everyone in my mind (well, not everyone). I know that this doesn’t help me at all. And maybe I am just lying. This is the insencerest article I’ve ever written, and I am a freaking dude. I just don’t want anyone liking me because of what they see …or liking me for their daughters either. I am not the man your mom wants for you. I am the man your mom warned you about. Please, stop chasing after me you big-breasted little stalker! Get away!

At my age, just turned 19, i feel like I’ve seen too many and I have done too much. No educational background, but I have a decent job. Living on  my own (technically) while my friends, most people my age are on school and enjoying being young. Sometimes i want to run and live my life the way that I should, but sometimes I am so proud at the things that I have seen and done.

I can’t really say that I am happy, I am not. There are some decisions that I have to make to achieve happiness but I always hold back. I want to wait that maybe it is not really what I should do. Maybe, a thing that will make me happy is just around the corner. But if I chace after it, it’s either it’ll be mine or everything will get screwed. I am not really good in confessing, I always tell the truth but not the specific truth.

I always put up a smile on my face, sometimes they think I am weird. Well, yes I am but not the way the other thinks. I am different to my friends, my family, my workmates. It seems like I am changing roles depending on whom I am with. Sometimes I think that I have a multiple character disorder, if there is. I am laughing then I will realize that I should be crying because I am talking to someone who knows that crying will be my reaction. It is so hard to be me, and I am glad that I am Me, because no one could handle being me but me. If that makes sense.

Hmmm.. I really don’t know what to say. It’s just that I should have been sleeping at my apartment now but found myself waiting for one hour to come by because we will have a meeting an hour after my shift ends. Life sucks sometimes, you know, and TIME too. haha

So here I am, writing another nonesense and lame blog.

Wait, I should give justice to my title. This is about growing up. And yes I could feel it… Confussions, crushes… (Well that is a great mix, tell you what… Serena van der Woodsen-ok, for no Gossip Girl fan, Blake Lively, has been consistently ruining yet making my day.) But sometimes, Chase Crawford is popping off my mind too. Told yah, confusions and crushes.xD

I don’t like Chase Crawford ruining me, but I’ll be glad to welcome Blake Lively to do so. That is why I made a research about what i am going through and found out about this thing called…MAN CRUSH (ya know, Kris ALLEN to Glambert, Glambert to Kris Allen) .

Definitions that I found:

A man having extreme admiration for another man, as though he wants to be him.

A man who has a crush on another man without sexual attraction.

I really don’t know what to say. But as usual, I feel like I should get some theraphy.

The past day has been a blast. Enjoy, yes… but tiring, tensional, stressful, huh, everything. I’ve worked hard for this, and now that I almost got it, technically, I indeed got it. Well, I’m not planning to quit of course. I’ve been through a lot of trouble that I won’t let the thought come to me.

It’s just that I realized  something. that no matter how you like something ( sometimes ” someone” is applicable too) The moment you get it, you feel like it’s not enough. You keep on asking yourself  “Do I still want it as I did Before I got it?” Oh Jeez, I know tha I dont make sense anymore… Hafta Go.

Most of the time, we question. We feel like we don’t deserve t the predicament that’s coming to us. But have you ever questioned if you are worthy of the good things that you have?

I don’t want this to sound like an essay. It surely does though. But it’s the feeling, the question that’s bugging me right now. And I need my special theraphy to get through this. And that is blogging. My little way to share my nervous breakdown to the  world. Haha.

Yes, as I said, most of the time we question why bad things are happening to us. But this time, it might be different.

Naturally, we work hard to get the things that we want. But what if we already have the things that we want, yet we know that it will still needs some working for you to deserve it.

Can we do things the other way around?

Instead of working hard to get the things that we want, can we just work hard to deserve the things that we already got?

I really am not sure if I am making sense here. Am i talking through experience her? I’m not sure. I just need to share this, or if no one reads this, write it at least.

Right now, I really don’t know what to say. I just want to blog about something, which I don’t do since God knows when.

At this point, maybe it’ll be safe to blog about the feelings that I feel right now. This might sound a bit dramatic so excuse me. Have you ever felt so proud at one second, the next you felt like “ignorance is your new best friend” ? I know that sounds like a song. GAh!

“Pride comes before destruction

A haughty spirit before the fall.”

I know I’ve never been so specific with the things I blog about. Well, I’m just being Jocerff Van. That’s me even in person. If I’ve got a problem, I’ll tell my friends that I do. That’s all. At least they know I’m going through a hard time. They don’t need to know why. That sounds pathetic, isn’t it? no, sarcastic rather.

Going back to what I am talking about. First, I feel like I’m here FOR THE WIN (FTW!), then the next thing I know is I’m losing and I wanna shout FUCK THE WORLD! ( at least it is still FTW). I feel so sorry for my self. For being so overtly confident, which is all I ever have, so I wanna fuck the world more. All that I have is still not a good thing. It is so hard to accept that you’re falling when you’re so confident the first minute. Well, I’ve always been so humble, the confidence I’m talking about is not the exasperating type of confidence. It’s just that I’m not afraid ti do the others are afraid to. It’s the spirit that I have to do such thing. I’m confident but it never shows. Gush this is going nowhere I guess. ( I must have named this post “CONFIDENCE” , yeah, ALL CAPS)

I want to cry! Actually, I’m crying, it’s just that I’m doing it differently, with no tears. I’ve always been a good liar. That’s another bad yet useful talent that I have. You can never tell when I’m lying. I’m good at it. So good that even myself couldn’t tell that I was lying, I believe with every lies that I have to tell. That’s the best technique eh?

Pretty cool, huh?

FUCK THE WORLD!!!

I remember the day when I first heard The All American Reject’s Gives You Hell. It is so inviting, and I was listening to it repeatedly and was always excited for the ‘crowd’ singing the refrain. That’s all. It was fun, a bit mean, but the kind that you can tolerate.

Then, comes Britney Spears’ If U Seek Amy. I know it’s nothing compared to the 70′s song If You See Kay, which is aside from the title, spells out the word ‘cunt’ as well, courtesy of the line “See you in tea.”

Ok, enough of the introduction. This is bout 3oh!3′s Don’t Trust Me. If you have read the preceding post, you’ll know that I have no idea about the ‘Do the Helen Keller’ line. Although, I knew the overall meaning of the lines:

Shush girl! Shut your lips.
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

I just realized the ‘do the Helen Keller’ could mean ‘shut up! Communicate without talking, communicate using your hips – dance.’ And for the Helen Keller reference… It’s like ‘imitate the disabled’. (FYI: Helen Keller is blind and deaf).

It is so sad! I loved the song before I realized this. And as I come to know this, I listened to it, enjoyed it, but on the Helen Keller part, I felt something. I could forgive the ‘don’t trust a ho’ line. But that part is like too much. Maybe I feel so bad about my self for liking this song. One thing is for sure, I really can’t help but love the song. I love the beat, I love the one-liners, the vocals, the effects. It’s just so sad that it has to be offensive.

I have two different takes on the lines.

One, it’s like saying women is better off shutting their mouths. That they’re made to shake their asses. That women aren’t here to be heard but to be seen. Alright, that’s bad.

But, on the other hand, it could mean, forget who you are for a while. Dance and have fun.

It doesn’t matter what 3oh!3 is really trying to say or what is their intentions for writing this song, if they have. It’s not about how it was intended but how it was received. It’s not talking about women altogether if we’re going to hear the whole song and analyze the whole lyrics. But most people don’t care about the lyrics at all, they’re after the beat, the catchy part. And sadly, the catchiest part is the most offensive. I must admit that as a man, I find it cool, in a way, the idea of saying ‘Shush girl! Shut your lips.’ I mean, some women are too talkative.
I know, it won’t be as popular as it is without those controversial lines. And even without it, it still won’t be a descent song. Even without my favorite ‘vegetarian’ line, it’s still a good song. And this made me think to disregard the people who are offended. Why would I get affected because they are?

And this is a song. And it was made to be a joke.

Now I sounded undecided. I was just thinking, what if I’ve known what the song was, before I heard it. Maybe I would listen to it out of curiousity. And maybe I won’t like it as much. But I know my self, and I can certainly say that I still would have liked it, in a different way though. Why am I being like this with just a song? Well, as I said, I’ve never felt like this before.

Thoughts?